remaining hopeful

“and the day came when the risk to remain in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.” -anais nin

my cycle of infertility started full of hope! full of doctor’s promises! going to book stores and looking at baby names for hours. talking about dreams we have for this little person we are longing to create. next stage is to deal with the hard, painful, and unsuccessful realities. i shut down. no more pee sticks. i am done. this turns to time passing, the clouds lifting. starting to feel hopeful again, starting to have new ideas, new dreams, new energy.

where am i now, i have decided on a new course of action. we are taking a break from the hormones. after all, we do need a break from the hormones. we are taking time for ourselves and going to enjoy the summer without thinking about what day of my cycle it is and driving the hour to the doctor three-four times each month. i am going to continue my personal training in hopes to get healthy, naturally. i am excited. i am sad. i am hopeful again.

because after all the tremendous ups and downs, it has become clear to me that it is far more painful to stay hopeless than it would be to try again. so we will.