some days are just hard

they just are. i wake up. i don’t know what the day will bring. thankfully, more days than not have been good. positive. every night before i close my eyes i remind myself of all the things i am grateful for. small things. big things. i do this because no matter how hard the day is, i still have so much to be grateful for. i don’t have a lot to complain about and i feel guilty whenever i do.


but here is the thing. some days are just plain hard.

i am having some type of allergic reaction. i think it is food. not celiac. but something else. last time i was at the doctor was when i had my miscarriage. my ob gave me a referral for a primary doc in the area. i just never followed up. so today i thought i would be an adult and follow up. well. their first available new patient appointment is in march. so i set that up because i need a primary doc. but i also need to figure out what is going on now. then i remembered i had some follow up tests that i have been putting off at the ob. my ob can run a blood panel for food allergies. so i said, self. put your big girl panties on and call.

just going to their website brought back such a wave of emotions. then calling and leaving a message for my favorite nurse. wave splashing. seriously. one of the those waves with a strong undercurrent. nasty stuff. so i know when i go it will be hard. hell. calling was hard.

many ask how am i doing. because of my vulnerable post about the miscarriage i still receive emails. some giving support. some asking for it because i seemed strong. i think it all helps me move forward.

this is what i write. this is the thought that gets me through days like today.

when you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip to italy. you buy a bunch of guidebooks, spend nights awake on the computer and make your wonderful plans. the coliseum, michelangelo’s david, the gondolas in venice, the pizza in naples. you may learn some handy phrases in italian. you tell all your friends and family about your trip. it’s all very exciting.

after months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. you pack your bags and off you go. several hours later, the plane lands. the flight attendant comes in and says, ‘welcome to holland.’ ‘holland?’ you say, “what do you mean holland? i signed up for italy! i’m supposed to be in italy. all my life i’ve dreamed of going to italy.’

but there’s been a change in flight plan. you have landed in holland, and there you must stay. the most important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine, and disease. it’s just a different place.

so you must go out and learn about this new place even though you don’t want to. and you must learn a whole new language. and you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. it’s just a different place. it’s slower paced than italy, less flashy than italy. but after you’ve been there for awhile and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that holland has windmills, holland has tulips, holland has rembrandts.

but everyone you know is busy coming and going from italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. and they even complain about the mundane crazy that italy provides them. and for the rest of your life you will say, ‘yes, that’s where i was supposed to go. that’s what i had planned.’ the pain of that will never, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

but if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about holland.

i don’t know what life holds for me or for anyone else that has lost something so dear … we may or may not experience italy down the road. but it is important to remember where we are now. and there is still beauty and happiness to be found.

which is something to be grateful for.

1 comments
Carolina Belle
Carolina Belle

you are so valued and so loved.your story is so important.your suffering is rich and painful, and your strength in this time is a beautiful struggle. i am so sorry for your pain, dear one.

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