humility.

i get jealous a lot. i am frequently full of envy for women who seem to be even tempered and steady and thin. i get angry when i think of women who appear to have discipline and control of their lives. i struggle not to find ways to be critical of others for whom life seems to sail so easily by. i feel so handicapped compared to women who seem to not worry about every little thing.

comparing is a really hard thing about being a woman. i do struggle. i can feel really bad about myself around skinny women. or when super young couples decide they’re ready to have kids, they have like as many as they want no problem. that makes me feel really down. in those moments i take a step back. each of us are given different experiences in life for what we need. for our growth. for our good. each of us have different talents to contribute. some of the most important talents are not tangible ones, like kindness and generosity. and what is important is what we do with what has been given to us. gratitude. our service. our sharing.

i only see, hear, feel, and express in extremes. i recognize that  i came into this world with many talents, for which i am very grateful. from my earliest memories my life has been filled with effortless understanding of people and language, an insatiable appetite for learning, and the ability to lead. to the extreme. but i to the same degree i was also given weaknesses of the mind and body which have been used to humble, teach, and try me. to the extreme. i feel love and excitement and inspiration to keep me up all night! and the next day i will feel despair to make me curl up in bed and hide. i dream of amazing possibilities…and then feel crippled by anxiety to realize them. in doing good i have desires as big as the ocean, and capacity as small as a drop.

a long time ago i made some rules for myself to be sure i was being real, and not letting the blogging world make me feel inadequate or like i needed to compete or copy. i know so many people who struggle with reading blogs and feeling envious and bad about themselves. quit it! what’s the point of that?

here are my rules: 1. only read blogs that truly inspire you to be your best self. if you are reading a blog that makes you feel bad, unsubscribe. 2. limit your time on the computer. don’t read a million blogs. this is fake life. it will skew your vision of your real life and what’s really important. i only read a handful of non friend/ family blogs, and they make me happy and motivated. i try to be honest and keep it real here. but lets be completely honest, i post maybe once a day about something that makes me happy. this is not my full days. this is not my full life. one of my biggest pet peeves is when i am trying to catch up with someone and they say something to the effect of “oh i read your blog so i know everything going on with you guys.” no. no you don’t.  blogs are such a small part of our lives.  they are the highlights but not the nitty gritty detailed existence.  3. it’s ok to love what someone makes/ does/ creates without feeling like you need to do it too or you’re not as good as them. our worth is not defined by our skill at hobbies. 4. if you love to blog, blog. you don’t owe anyone anything, nor does how many comments or followers you get on a post have anything to do with how awesome of a person you are. don’t compare your blogs to other blogs. do what you like and don’t worry about what others think. 5. be exactly you, and nobody else.

i am not sure where all of this is coming from. i think maybe because lately i have met new people that happen to love my blog and “my life.”  catching up with comments and emails filled with declarations of “i want your life” and “i love your life.”  i felt embarrassed. i felt flattered and undeserving. and i needed to clear that up with myself.

i suppose i am telling you this so that you may know that i’m not some super woman, sewing and writing and collecting eggs all day. i use this outlet, this blog, to temper my anxiety. and i share my life with you to hopes that it may inspire you too. i find that i always have to be looking for beautiful things or i get caught in a cloud of ugliness. this is my collection of the beautiful i have found in my day and some of the heartbreak that may allow you to see that you are not alone. i am telling you this so i don’t have to be embarrassed by what i share with you. so you know my intentions. so you know i don’t fancy myself anything other than a girl just trying to have a simple happy life.

the past few years have been so difficult for us. it is hard to imagine people looking at my life and wishing to have my life.  to be able to take a step back from embarrassment and realize that through all the heartache it is an amazing life.  it is not perfect on any level. but i am slowly realizing that perfection isn’t actually perfect. it is living through the bad and coming out on the other end.  scarred. bruised.  hurt. but stronger.

here’s to loving ourselves for who we are. here’s to developing and sharing the gifts we have been bestowed with and enjoying the gifts others have been given. here’s to shunning enviousness. here’s to being happy for others’ successes, rather than jealous. here’s to feeling powerfully true to ourselves.  i need to remind myself of this little truth:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – marriane williamson

2 comments
eb
eb

Great post. As a fundamemtally even-tempered, coldly logical person I'd like to point out that being even-tempered has its drawbacks -- you dull the low points but also the high points. I can never be as elated about anything or as emotionally connected as some people. The fact that even tempered people tend to be drawn to very intense people is a testament to how empty an even tempered life can be on its own.

Stan and Dana
Stan and Dana

This is awesome, Kelsi. Thanks for sharing your heart. God has amazing plans for you... His heart is turned toward you... and in the things you don't understand and the questions that are unanswered, He is waiting to encounter you.... xo