it’s here!

with the 100 pound mark hit last week along with all the emotional changes that brings, the husband and i have had many discussions on how mistakes were made in the past and looking towards the future.  i hate that the word “selfish” has such a negative connotation.  to the extreme of never thinking of others, yes i get that.  but being selfish, i am learning, can actually be a tremendously healthy thing.  taking the time for yourself to do something healthy.  saying no to friends and your husband to find that alone time.  treating yourself to a mani/pedi or a massage after a long week of hard workouts.  these improve our well being and should not be looked upon as a negative action.

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when i bought my huge honda pilot i just new we would start having kids within the next year, maybe two if i decided on graduate school.  that was in 2006.  for 6 years now i go out and drive in a car that reminds me that i am a failure.  it puts me in such a bad place.  on the flip side, i love driving a huge car that i can pile the pups in for an afternoon drive.  i love driving a suv that i can transport chickens, go to the feed store and load up on supplies for our garden and not worry about getting it dirty.  it is dirty.  i transport all of the above on an almost weekly basis.  last month we officially paid it off.  it is mine, all mine.  and i just got this feeling that while i am making all these huge changes to put “me” first instead of the future children that we may or may not have, why am i driving such a family car.  we looked at minis.  i fell in love.  we looked of 350z convertibles.  more love.

the husband was completely on board.  he understood my feelings and supported me.  it was completely my decision and i just couldn’t hand over my keys.  (a) it made absolutely NO financial sense.  there was no way i could rationalize trading in a car that is recently paid off.  only has 69000 miles.  and will be the perfect family car if that day arrives. (b) i love the flexibility of all of the above transports.  the pups and the chickens supplies would have to find an alternative source for transportation.  i just couldn’t do it.

so then, with the excitement of my first car selfishly picked out for only me gone, i was pretty let down.  i knew it was the right decision.  i know it is the right decision.  but making the right decisions aren’t always the most fun.  and i have spent so much of my life not putting “fun” on the list.  it was just a downer.

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the husband picked up on this and decided that if he couldn’t splurge on a new car then he could splurge on something that is what i have wanted ever since the invention of apple.  a macbook.  sigh.  my first year of college i wanted a fancy, colorful old school desktop mac.  no, i got a gateway.  later on, i wanted a mac laptop and got a samsung.  then graduate school i wanted, you guessed it, a mac book.  i got an ibm.  all great laptops and they completely served their purpose.  and they were so much less expensive than a mac that i always decided to save the extra pennies.

yesterday it came.  it is so tremendously beautiful.  because we don’t frivolously splurge, it is such a tremendous treat.  i have been approached to write a book.  i am seriously considering this huge leap of “there is no i could write a book.  what would i say. i am not qualified.  i am not a good writer.” confidence.   confidence and i don’t have a healthy relationship.  mostly because it has always been non-existent.

my new (well, technically refurbished but looks brand new) gal pal and i are going to set aside morning time to write.  whatever flows, flows.  maybe something will come of it.  maybe not.  but if i have learned anything, it is this, nothing is possible unless you try.


I am so happy for you for so many reasons! Hitting your 100 lb loss goal and being asked to write a book are amazing! I'm glad you got the mac book and I hope it is everything you've dreamed about all these years.Best wishes,Bee