burgers and fries, oh my!

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okay, so i am not on my third cupcake but i did indulge in a wendy’s frosty last night.  and a burger sans bun.  and fries.  and i ate every single last one.

one of my court cases is causing so much stress.  last night i drove with the social worker out of town for a visit.  i can’t say much more than that but it was hard.  before heading back home we both decided a frosty is exactly what we needed.  it was pretty darn great.  i feel like frosty’s are for special occasions.  the last time i had a frosty was right after our third miscarriage.  frosty’s are like my reserve comfort food.  only to be consumed when i am at the bottom of the barrel.

i then met the husband for dinner.  it was super late and i opted for a burger and fries.  the thing is, i didn’t feel guilt.  i knew this wasn’t the norm.  i knew i was going through some stuff.  i knew this was pure comfort food.  i knew today would be a new day and i would start it off with a green smoothie and oatmeal.

i realized that i have spent most of my life hating myself because of the bad food choices i was making.  that self hatred would lead to the next meal and then the next.  every meal i hated myself more and more.  which lead to larger portions to try and comfort the pain.  it was a cycle of bad decisions that became a lifestyle.  instead of just allowing myself a bad day, i punished myself.

i have learned to just let yourself have one bad meal.  it doesn’t make me a bad person that i needed a frosty.  it doesn’t make me a bad person for choosing the burgers and fries.  it was a weight lifted, literally, realizing that i wasn’t feeling the self loathing guilt.

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this morning i am off to the gym.  my back is hurting from grooming the pups on sunday but i desperately need/want to get back into the habit of going to the gym.  if i do nothing but sit in the hot tub, it will be progress.

i hope you all have a productive day.  filled with relaxing moments here and there.  sometimes we just need to give ourselves a break.