it only takes one.

on my birthday i posted this post.  i wanted to focus on all the things that could go right.  i know, as a lot of my readers do, in the fertility world, a lot can go wrong.  and it is heartbreaking.  it is easy, so incredibly easy, to get weighed down on everything that could go wrong.  in my case, because going horribly wrong is all i have known.  but i made a conscious effort, whenever doubt and fear sneaked into my thoughts {daily thoughts}, i tried to immediately think of all the ways “this time” could work.

first, a message to my readers, this blog will not become a mommy blog.  my idea is to keep this space my voice.  my individual voice about health, food, chickens, gardening, and yes, milestones of our little one.  due to the number of readers, the husband and i talked a great deal about how much we want to put online of our little one without restrictions, and we both agreed, very little.  i am not a scrapbooker and i love the digital blog format.  my plan is to create a private blog for just grandparents and the husband and i.  less like a typical blog and more like letters to our little one, with lots of photos.

given that, yes, this post is all about pregnancy.  a great deal of my dear readers are on the fertility path and i wanted to share what i have done differently this time around.  and although we are past the infamous 12 week milestone, there is no guarantee we will have a healthy baby.  a great friend told me when i had the realization that with each day that passes, i gain more and more confidence that this pregnancy will last, but i have more to lose and that scares the hell out of me.  she laughed and replied, welcome to motherhood.  there will never be another day where there will not be worry and fear for the worst.

the number one thing different with this pregnancy is me.  the most difficult but the absolute BEST decision i made was to stop trying after our second miscarriage.  i used my anger and guilt to propel me to losing 100 pounds.  my body is completely different.  my new ob/gyn said that even though i have a long history, this pregnancy is like starting fresh because my body has completely changed.  from hormones to blood pressure.  physically, i was a clean slate.  mentally, emotionally, now that is a completely different ballgame.  you can lose weight but you can’t lose the pain and heartache of miscarriages.

i can totally dispel the idea of “if you stop trying, it will happen.”  OH MY GOD! i can’t tell you how many times i have heard this tidbit of “wisdom.”  there are many, many tools available to help calculate to the day, even time of day, when you are ovulating.  there wasn’t a day when we were not at the doctor for “follicle checking” or taking my temperatures or peeing on opk sticks.  oddly enough, this was the only month i wrote on the “i love you because…” board marking the occasion.  positive thinking for the win.

another difference, acupuncture.  i first tried acupuncture after my herniated disk injury and i became a believer.  during some of our fertility research, i kept seeing studies about acupuncture and fertility.  i called “my guy” and asked if he did fertility treatments and he did.  i started treatments one month before we conceived.  he gave me “ovulation herbs” to help with the uterine lining then after we got our positive pregnancy test, he gave me herbs that were designed for women of “habitual miscarriages.”  i also went for an hour treatment weekly during the first 12 weeks.  i am not a doctor.  i am just sharing what i did differently.  i don’t know if anything or everything or some combination made the difference.  this is just my experience.

when i told our fertility doctor about the chinese herbs his response, “i wouldn’t use them because they really do work.”  i then replied, i wasn’t ordering them off the internet myself, i had a licensed professional prescribing them, he said he would still be cautious but then added, he didn’t know what it was like to have three miscarriages and that he could understand the desire to try anything.  after a LONG talk with my acupuncturist and finding out that he gave his wife the same herbs when she became pregnant, the husband and i decided to go for it.  we wanted to try anything.

we found out we were pregnant 11 days after ovulation.  crazy early.  i started spotting around 5 weeks.  immediately thought that this was like all the others.  my acupuncturist prescribed a spotting herb and the doctor prescribed progesterone.  i don’t know which one stopped the spotting but the spotting soon stopped.  the next day we had our first ultrasound and saw the beginnings of our everything.

only a gestational sac and yolk sac were visible.  we were relieved for the moment but the next several weeks were difficult.  trying to stay positive was an hourly struggle.  it still is.  around 6 weeks i started to actually feel pregnant.  nauseous all the time.  it was a blessing to feel awful.  it still is.

i was one of those people that thought i would only eat fresh vegetables and fruits.  eat only the best foods, all organic.  my diet consisted of grilled cheese, tater tots, dry cereal, and lots of butter toast.  slowly i worked into mashed potatoes.  my first real craving was specifically, instant mashed potatoes, shredded cheddar cheese and a1 sauce.  the husband has been primary cook and tried to make “real” mashed potatoes and i declined.  it had to be instant.  i am slowly starting to be able to eat fruit.  vegetables, no thank you.

at 7 weeks we first heard the heartbeat.  our fertility doctor wanted to release us, but i said no.  after some pleading {we have had a miscarriage after hearing a healthy heartbeat} he agreed to see us at 8w3d and then we would be released.  this was our ultrasound from that appointment.

the first time seeing little arms and legs.  we happily transferred to our new ob.  we had another tremendously emotional moment of spotting one weekend at 10 weeks.  i just sat and cried waiting until monday morning when i could see the doctor.  by the time monday rolled around, the spotting had stopped.  after lots of reading, we decided it was due to stopping the progesterone a couple days earlier, without weaning off.  it makes sense.  it is a hormone and i just stopped.  the doctor assured us that everything was perfect and that the spotted was some uterine lining and the baby was never in any danger.  i went back on the progesterone until 12 weeks and am now in the process of slowly weaning my body off of it.  during this appointment we saw the baby moving for the first time.  it was literally jumping all over the place.  this was the first time i cried during an ultrasound.  well, cried for happiness.  that moment has kept my hopes high ever since.

weight loss, acupuncture, progesterone.  i don’t know the trick.  all i know is that for 5 years, 60 months we have wanted this moment more than anything.  we are still taking it day by day because as our genetic counselor reminded us during our 12 week appointment, there are a billion things that can go wrong.  {thanks.}  i have dear friends that work on the pediatric floors of hospitals.  i am aware that there is a lot to be afraid of.  but good things happen too.  and it only takes one.

4 comments
NoticeDirt
NoticeDirt

So very, very happy for you guys!

seejennashop
seejennashop like.author.displayName 1 Like

Huge congratulations, I wish you nothing but tears of happiness from here on out!! I've been following your blog for about a year now and have found comfort in the reminder that I'm not alone with my struggles to conceive. I can't thank you enough for sharing what can be such a lonely journey. I started seeing an acupuncturist for fertility this cycle and am already a believer. :)

StaciRhea
StaciRhea

I have and will remember your 'one' in my prayers regularly. :)