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remembering.

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my little boy is almost 13 months old.  his giggle.  his eyes.  he is my happiness.

today, snack time is a cereal bar, an option that is probably too messy and not the healthiest option for my little eater, but the adorable lip-smacking sounds he makes while eating it are worth all of the crumbs. martha appreciates these decisions. more crumbs the better she would say.

even on his very worst days, my son, somewhere in the midst of the chaos, still manages to melt my frazzled heart with the way he looks up at me with those big blue eyes.

i look at my bundle of busy and remember. i won’t lie and say every time, because that’s not true. but there are many times, when i see his little blonde head toddling around his playroom, that i do. i sit there and stare at him. i remember.

i remember the three lost pregnancies before he arrived, and each of the heart-breaking, soul-crushing moments when i knew those babies were gone.  gone forever.

i remember.

i have my son’s nine-week ultrasound picture in a frame. it was my most favorite appointment.  my most favorite memory of my pregnancy.  it was the first time i thought this time it was real.  i remember everything about that appointment, but most vividly i remember seeing a little jelly bean flutter. his heartbeat. his little arms and legs that looked more like nubs.  bouncing all over the screen.  nine weeks old and i was in love. i knew i was forever changed. i was scared out of my mind; loss loomed over me, reminding me of what could be taken away. but i was in love. timidly, gently, whole-heartedly in love.

this babbling boy fills my heart in places i didn’t know existed, and while he consumes my days and most nights and definitely my instagram feed, i still have not forgotten. i haven’t forgotten the ache when a little one is lost, or what the pain looks like in the eyes of a mama with a nursery and no tiny baby to fill it up.

i won’t forget. i can’t forget.

i may not know your story, but i’m not so wrapped up in my life and the son i now have that i have forgotten about your loss. i will remember.

i think of those lost little ones often.  i think of all you mothers and fathers with empty hands and broken hearts. i hope that those closest to you will remind you that they also have not forgotten. we heal, we grow, we live, we move forward. all at different times and stages, but remembering is acknowledging. it’s saying “i see your hurt, i see your pain, and i’m here.” quite honestly. those are the most important things to say to anyone that has lost something so important.

i feel like i have left this space empty.  i often want to blog a photo and story of my little one but i stop.  this place was one that i shared so much grief and pain.  i gained support from readers going through that same pain.  i would follow other blogs of women going through infertility or miscarriage or loss and once they had a baby it was like the book closed.  that pain was never talked about again.  like it never existed.  but for me, it does.  it makes me grateful.  beyond words grateful for every breath my little one takes.  it is the reason i can’t close my eyes each night without checking the monitor to make sure he is breathing.  not a single breath is taken for granted.

i’m just me. today, especially during this holiday season, i want you to know that i remember.


introducing our son, garrett alexander.


1

tomorrow he will be four months old.  four months and i am just now finding our routine.  finding time (and honestly, motivation) to write.  i want to document this extraordinary, ordinary life that we are now embarking on.  you know the one, parenthood.  i have lots of ideas for mama related posts, our birth story, cloth diapering, sleep patterns (or the lack thereof), not fitting into real pants, etc.  i want to keep this space my own, for my musings as not only a mother, but as just me.  this is my little world and i want to keep it sacred.

2

we have set up a private blog for everything garrett.  one day i will proudly make it into a book and give to him.  he will see our words, our thoughts and stories at each milestone and every moment in between.  i knew this would be a more simple way to document than a scrapbook.  a scrapbooker, i am not.

3

we had his “newborn” photos taken at three months.  this is telling of our first three months.  we had feeding issues that took up the first month of his existence.  then the second i got hit with a viral infection, strep throat and pneumonia all at once.  then he was three months old and the husband and i realized we were finding our way.  slowly, beautifully, and sometimes painfully so.

4

having our son has forever changed who we are.  in many ways i can’t yet comprehend.  it has been everything i have ever wanted along with nothing at all what i thought it would be .  to say it is an adjustment is not doing it justice.  one of the hardest challenges and yet, perhaps, one of the greatest blessings of being a mother is the basic fact of being needed.  i have these two little hands and body hanging from me at all hours of every day.

5

the endless diaper changing, frequent nursing, spit up, tears.  this neediness, this constancy of having to be everything for this little person can certainly take its toll.  those early days it was so difficult to see beyond that moment.  some days, it still is.  but there will be a day where i won’t be needed.  this realization has shown me that those frequent nursings, up multiple times each night exhaustion is a privilege.  it is such an absolute privilege to be needed and this moment is fleeting.

6

7

his fingers will only be this little, his legs with the adorable chunk, his perfect big round belly for such a short droplet of time.  i am intentionally soaking up every moment.  the good and the bad.  being honest that yes, there are really crappy moments.  moments in this short four months that i feel i am failing.  feel like i can actually do this.  feel like no one understands.  feel like i have surrounded myself with an amazing village of friends to support me.  feel every cry.  every smile.

8

9

 

my favorite book to read at night is “wherever you are.”  here is the text:

i wanted you more
than you ever will know
so i sent love to follow
wherever you go.
it’s high as you wish it. it’s quick as an elf.
you’ll never outgrow it…it stretches itself!

so climb any mountain…
climb up to the sky!
my love will find you.
my love can fly!

make a big splash! go out on a limb!
my love will find you. my love can swim!

it never gets lost, never fades, never ends…

if you’re working…

or playing…

or sitting with friends.

you can dance ’til you’re dizzy…

paint ’til you’re blue…

there’s no place, not one,
that my love can’t find you.

and if someday you’re lonely,
or someday you’re sad,
or you strike out at baseball,
or think you’ve been bad…

just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.
that’s me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

in the green of the grass…in the smell of the sea…
in the clouds floating by…at the top of a tree…
in the sound crickets make at the end of the day…

“You are loved. You are loved. You are loved,” they all say.

my love is so high, and so wide and
so deep, it’s always right there, even
when you’re asleep.

so hold your head high
and don’t be afraid
to march to the front
of your own parade.

if you’re still my small babe
or you’re all the way grown,
my promise to you
is you’re never alone.

you are my angel, my darling,
my star…and my love will find you,
wherever you are.

you are loved.

~ Nancy Tillman

10

my baby boy, you are loved. you are loved. you are loved.


a nursery complete. {almost}

i have so loved putting garrett’s nursery together.  we opted to not go with a theme.  we couldn’t pick just one.  our interests range vastly and we ultimately wanted a variety of images and influences for our little guy.  with, at the most 18 days!, until his arrival we are mostly finished.  i just have a photo/painting collage that i will put together above his changing dresser.  his essentials are complete and in place.  now we just wait.

this is what the room looked like before.  carpet.  a not so appealing baby blue.  then came the hardwood flooring.  new neutral paint color.  lots of days sitting and dreaming what it is going to be like having a little one call this space his own.

i love the colors navy and white.  i have a great piece of artwork that will go above the changing dresser that is the red sox, red sox.  so i tied in a few pieces of red.  his toy basket under the bookshelves and laundry basket.  i love the black out curtains.  they are navy and don’t have cords!

i really wanted a minimalist furniture approach which led to the wall mounted bookshelves.  they don’t take up floor space and i love how inviting the books are.  i walk in and immediately want to take a book off the shelf and start reading to garrett.  hopefully, he will feel the same way.  the planet mobile might be one of my favorite things.  who knew i was such a space nerd?!

the husband installed an entirely new closet system, one that will grow with garrett.  the shelves are adjustable and there are tons of accessories to personalize what will work best for you.   top shelf is 0-6 months.  baskets have socks, hats, shoes.  bottom shelf is 6-12 months.  after taking these photos i quickly realized i have a stripe problem.  apparently i have envisioned my little guy in a lot of stripes.  i am good with it.

garrett’s toy basket.  oh how i would love to have his toys forever fit in this little basket.

three drawers of diapers, cleaned, stuffed with inserts and ready to go.  only one is brand new, meaning we are tremendously blessed for cloth diapering mama friends that have either just given or sold very cheaply their diapers.  i am still a bit overwhelmed but i figure it is going to be a learn as you go experience.  i am pretty excited.

my sweet girl.  not quite sure about all of this new stuff that is suddenly in almost every room of the house.  i have found her sleeping in the nursery a couple of nights which makes my heart melt.  so many changes these past nine months have happened, with the biggest one yet just days away.  we are all so tremendously blessed and filled with love.


mumford & sons. {3rd time around}

the husband and i have been fortunate enough to attend three mumford and sons concerts over the last two years.

i have written about my favorite band time and time again.  their words have gotten me through some really difficult times.  this third concert was a full circle moment for me.  their first album was my inspiration, playing in my ears for almost every single pound lost.  their second helped me cope with the pain of miscarriages and heartbreaking frustrations of infertility.

the first time we went to see mumford and sons we were in the two week waiting torture period.  we had just started trying again and were so very optimistic.  i remember sitting on the lawn just hoping beyond hope there was a baby growing inside of me.  there wasn’t.

the second time, pretty much the same scenario.  it was several months later, still trying and hoping, i sang along with the entire auditorium every word.  a few days later realizing, yet again, there was no baby.

earlier this september the third time was the charm.  my almost 30 weeks along baby boy was kicking along with the music.  the music he has been listening consistently his entire existence.  i am pretty sure mumford and sons and red sox baseball commentary will be what soothes our little one instead of the traditional lullabies.

there are no words to describe our hearts these days.  i wake up throughout the night and every time i lay back down, before closing my eyes i wait to feel a movement.  i smile, take a deep breath and remember that this isn’t a dream.  i fall back asleep.  i wake up each morning, count my ten kicks and start my day.  each night, the same.  i lay down, the husband and i both tell garrett how incredibly grateful we are for him, count more kicks and then off to sleep.

while i am scared of everything {an entire post}, i am happier than i ever thought i could be.

below my feet is my favorite song.  nowadays i can’t get through to the end without tears.  in my head i flashback to over the last five years and see where we are today and i can’t help but cry.  i found this print {from etsy, of course!} and it will proudly hang in garrett’s room.

 


a snapshot.

just a quick snapshot to share our exciting news.

the husband and i are expecting a baby BOY!

we had an amazing gender reveal shower this past weekend with our family and friends.  you can literally see the excitement and adrenaline on our faces as we are moments away from cutting into the cake to reveal the blue inside.  we couldn’t be more thrilled.  once i receive the photos, i will post lots of the details.  so many amazing details i can’t wait to share.

our little boy’s name {still getting used to that!} will be garrett alexander.  we wanted to find a balance between having family names but allowing him to be his own person.  i am really happy with our choice.  garrett is the husband’s middle name.  it isn’t common but not unusual.  alexander is my dad and grandfather’s middle name.  our son will have ties to both of our families while having his own unique name.

we can’t thank everyone enough for the love and support we have felt throughout this pregnancy.  we are beyond blessed and words can’t describe our happiness.  we are just so incredibly thankful every single day.


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